Emotionless
by MistyMiracle
Summary: L has a dark secret... rated T for self-harm and yaoi. WATCH FOR POV SWITCHES! LxLight
1. Begining

I was daydreaming again_. If I let Light out of confinement, my secret might be revealed. I would have to watch him all of the time, so he then would have the ability to watch me all of the time. There is a 30% chance he will find out my secret. But if we keep him in confinement we will learn nothing about the case._

"Ryuuzaki, the three of them look pretty bad in there, we should let them out," Matsuda suggested. For once, Matsuda was right.

* * *

_A few days later, after the handcuffs are in place. First day with handcuffs._

"Ryuuzaki, what do we do if one of us has to go to the bathroom?" Light asked.

"The answer to that particular question depends on which one of us," I responded.

"Okay… me, then."

"Then I suppose I'll have to come with you to make sure you don't kill someone."

"For the last time, I'm not Kira!"

"Interesting…"

The younger man sighed. "Anyway, what if you have to go?"

I took into consideration my secret. "Either someone will watch you or you will come in with me."

"What's the discriminating factor?" He questioned.

"The time. As you already know, not a lot of people are here at three in the morning."

"…Oh."

I had to make sure I could get time for my secret. Otherwise I would be haunted by my past once more. I had to keep the pain at bay. I… had to cut. It had been a habit for me ever since Wammy's house. Emotions were useless and painful, and the only way to be free of them was to cut. The only problem was the scars they left behind. They were a pain to hide. Not that I didn't like long-sleeved shirts, but the sleeve can ride up pretty effortlessly. That's why I wore the wristband, right over where the scars were. The small hole on the inside also served as the perfect place to hide the razor that I used to cut with. I always had an escape whenever I needed it.

"Mr. Mogi, could you watch Light-kun for a few minutes?" I requested.

"Sure," he replied.

I unlocked my end of the handcuffs. I trotted into the door of the only one-person bathroom on the floor, closed it, and locked it. I was starting to feel a little emotional. I needed to fix that. I dug around my wristband until I found the small blade. I made a few quick incisions and proceeded to find alcohol swabs and swipe my now stinging cuts. I slid the blade back into the band and slid the band onto my wrist, flushed just to make it convincing, and washed my hands. Returning to work, I could feel my wrist demanding more, and I reminded myself to go a little deeper next time.


	2. This Makes Two

Light's P.O.V.

I was intrigued by the wristband on his wrist. What was the need for it if it was not to be seen? I decided to do to L what he was doing to me. I was going to analyze everything he did, as he analyzed everything I did. That included watching him in the bathroom, so I decided that when he came out this time I was never going to leave his side again.

L/Ryuuzaki's P.O.V.

My next particular trip to the bathroom was for two reasons: I was right in my assumption that I needed to go deeper next time, so I needed more, and I actually needed the bathroom. Again I asked Mr. Mogi if he could watch Light-kun, but before he could respond Light-kun interrupted.  
"I'll just come with you, if that's okay."  
I knew if I argued it would make me seem suspicious, since I had already made it clear to him and the task force that no privacy was to be spared, so I agreed. I would have to postpone my emotional release for a few more hours. To say the least, I was pissed. (0.0' NO PUN INTENDED… XD)  
As we did our business I glanced at Light's wrist. I noticed he was wearing ling sleeves again. When we had decided to keep Light prisoner, he had insisted he wear long sleeves because he was always extremely cold. Now it was summer, and he was still wearing long sleeves. I breifly wondered if he was also a self harmer, but dismissed the thought immediately. How could someone who looked so stable and well grounded be self harming? I at least had a reason. I needed to be emotionless. Self harming helped me do that. Light, he had no excuse. Therefore, he could not be a self harmer.

Light's P.O.V.

Was he looking at my wrist? Why would he do that? Did he suspect me of cutting already? I decided against that. He probably wouldn't guess, since I was so good at pretending I was emotionally stable. The only reason he would even consider such a thing was if he was like me... if he was acctually a self harmer and was paranoid about thinking others were, too. I had a reason. I was always gpoing through the daily grind, never caring about anything or anyone. I was a living shell, with no soul inside. I was all logic, and no emotion. I cut to feel. Ryuuzaki had no reason, no excuse. He couldn't be a cutter, so why in the world was he looking at my wrist? Then again, he was wearing a wristband under long sleeves... well... he WAS L. L always did a lot of weird things, but I couldn't imagine one of them being cutting.


	3. Shock

L/Ryuuzaki's P.O.V.

"Yagami-kun's bladder is very small," I commented. We were heading to the bathroom together for the third time that day, and it was only lunch!

"Shut up, Ryuuzaki." He replied. He was very tense today. I wondered why? Tonight I was going to let him shower, he should be happy! I, on the other hand, was on the verge of insanity. Everytime I went to the bathroom, he followed. I had no chances to cut, and I was really feeling emotions now. A plan started forming in my head. Smiling, I decided to put it into action.

Light's P.O.V.

I was making frequent trips to the bathroom to ensure that Ryuuzaki had the chance to go, so he wouldn't need to later. That way, I was always with him. As we walked into the bathroom, Ryuuzaki stopped short.

"I don't have to go." He said.

"Alright..." I responded with a little hesitation. "But I still do, so come on."

I tugged on the chain, but Ryuuzaki didn't budge. "Ryuuzaki, wha-"

"I think Yagami-kun has a few problems." He stated.

"Oh? And what would those be?" I countered. My heart started beating a little faster, but I didn't let it show in my voice.

"I believe he is trying to escape work by using the facilities more than necesary. I also believe that he is very much obsessed with his appearance. Therefore, I am only permitting him one more bathroom break between now and seven o'clock tonight. At nine o'clock we will shower. If Yagami-kun uses more than his one break, he forefits the privelage of showering tonight. Also, he may not follow me into the bathroom unless he is using his one bathroom break, as he has already wasted enough valuable work time."

I sighed. How was I supposed to fake my way out of this one? If I said I was sick, he wouldn't believe me, since I was exhibiting no other symptoms, and since I couldn't really fake being sick. Of course, I was sick, but in another way. My mind was in turmoil. I was so fustrated, since I couldn't cut for the time being. It wasn't so unbearable, though, since I had gone such a long time without cutting when I was imprisoned, but it was still very hard not to suddenly lose control. All of a sudden something dawned on me.

"Ryuuzaki, what are you hiding?"

L/Ryuuzaki's P.O.V.

This question caught me off guard.

"What are you talking about, Yagami-kun?"

"Why would you feel the need to say explicitly that I should not follow you into the bathroom? That can be easily deduced from your previous statements." My heart started beating a little faster than normal. This was why I needed to cut! I was so distracted by my emotions that I had done something completely irrational and had given the teen more grounds for suspicion!

"Yagami-kun, the rest of the task force is going to get worried if we do not leave soon."

"Stop avoiding the question, L." His voice had suddenly gotten softer, and a lot less shrill. He seemed almost, darker than normal. This was very unlike him.

"Every 30 seconds we spend in here, starting now, your Kira percentage will be raised by 4%." I countered. "Also, I am staying firm on that deal. Let's go."

He seemed to accept this, and we wandered back to the rest of the task force.

Light's P.O.V.

Something inside me had suddenly snapped. I don't think it was anything in particular, but something had made me snap and loose that last bit of emotion I was hanging onto. I didn't feel like doing anything. I had no motivation. I felt like cutting, and that was it. I had never experienced this before. This was like a whole new level of numbness. Everything seemed to go by in a trance, and I felt no emotions toward it. It was like a movie that I couldn't stop, but felt nothing about. It's really hard to describe. If I was feeling anything, all it could be was need. I didn't feel anything but the need to cut. I couldn't focus on work at all, because cutting was the only thing I could think about. If someone has asked me my name, I would have had trouble answering them.

Everyone went home at five, since it was Sunday. Ryuuzaki and I stayed behind, me staring at some papers, him typing away on a laptop. I had already used my one bathroom break an hour ago, and it was now 6:00 p.m. Suddenly, Ryuuzaki got up. I gave him my best questioning look, even though I didn't really care.

"I'm going to the bathroom." He pulled out what looked like a small television. "This will monitor everything you do, and I will monitor you in real time. There are cameras from every angle, and they do record."

I made some unidentifiable noise in response to his statement, and he unlocked his end of the handcuffs and locked it to the desk. He then proceeded to walk in the direction of the bathroom, staring at the small screen in his hand.

L/Ryuuzaki's P.O.V.

Light seemed... distant. I could tell he wasn't really working, and how he just suddenly shifted emotions earlier was very strange. I decided to ignore it for now as I closed the bathroom door. I immediately grabbed the wristband off of my wrist and got the blade out of the small hole. The blade felt cool against my pale skin as I violently slashed and watched as my wrist changed colors from white to red. I didn't even bother to check the mini TV screen. I made the final cut as I felt calmness seep through me. I just stood there for a minute, leaning against the wall of the cubicle, watching the blood spread and eventually drip quietly to the ground. I realized that some of the cuts were pretty deep, and would require medical attention. I wrapped them up in gauze, put back the blade, put on the wristband, and cleaned the blood from the floor. I wondered how in the world I was going to hide such big scars in the shower as I glanced at the screen for the first time in ten minutes. What I saw scared the hell out of me.


	4. Hurt

L/Ryuuzaki's P.O.V.

The first thing I saw was the blood. I saw a whole pool of blood on the floor, and in the middle of it was the prime suspect for the Kira case. He was curled in a ball with a knife in his hand, holding his left wrist to his chest. He was on his side and covered in blood, as if he had been rolling around in it. I realised what had happened almost immediately, and I began running back to the office where he was currently located.

Light's P.O.V.

As soon as I had heard the bathroom door close, I lost it. I saw the cart which had Ryuuzaki's food on it, and I rummaged for a knife. I was only planning on making a few incisions, but I ended up doing a lot more damage. I had gotten a rush of adrenaline just before the knife had reached my arm, and I made a split second decision; I wanted to die. That was the feeling that had overcome me, that I just wanted to end it all. I didn't know what, if anything, was beyond death, and I didn't know if it would be better than this or worse. But it was worth a try, so I went for it. I knew L would be the one to find me, and I felt a little bad about that, because I honestly didn't hate him. I then sllid the sharp insturment down my wrist, from the crook of my elbow to the base of my hand. By this time I was on the floor. The only thing I could think of was how much I wanted to die before L got there, so I wouldn't have any chance of living, and so I wouldn't see his face when he saw me. I was in enough agony already.

By the time I heard footsteps, I was already fading out of conciousness.

L/Ryuuzaki's P.O.V.

When I got to him, he was still alive. At first, I started to dial 911. Then I realized that we do indeed have a medical facility a few rooms over. I picked up the bleeding and unconcious teen and ran him down the hall. The medical profesionals were extremely frightened, but seemed to handle themselves better after a few seconds. They immediately took Light into a back room where I was not allowed to follow. I ran to go change and inform the cleaning staff of the mess. If I had tried to commit suicide, I would want no reminders left around. As soon as I had changed, I ran back down to the infirmary, where I was informed Light was doing well, but still not out of the woods yet. I decided to call the buildings room service to tell them to remove all weapons, sharp items, and non-critical medicines from the premisis. I wanted to set Light up for sucsess if he made it, and secretly, I knew I was pretty disturbed at the moment. I definetly didn't want to end up in the same situation as Light. I had some tough decisions to make before Light woke up.

I decided that I wouldn't tell anyone what had happened, unless Light told me to do so. I would tell them that Light was sick, that we would be in the ifirmary for awhile, and that no one,including family, was aloud to visit for security reasons. Really, we would stay on one of the other floors, upstairs somewhere. I would have to be very careful as to not set him off, since he was so fragile at the moment. I would have to tell Watari, though, but not in great detail. I was glad he was in england at the moment, this way I wouldn't have to explain this so soon.

Suddenly I felt a pang in my stomach. This meant I certainly couldn't leave him alone fro any period of time, including bathroom breaks. It meant no cutting time. I put that thought out of my mind. It was my cutting that landed him here, wasn't it? It was my stupidness because I didn't monitor him, and it was my stupid cutting that made me leave in the first place. It was my fault, all my fault.

It was my fault, just like it was my fault my parents died. Just like it was my fault Kira was still on the loose. Everything was my fault.

I wanted to follow Light's example so badly in that moment, but I knew that he would need someone to be there with him when he got out of the infirmary. So instead, I cried. I cried so hard that I felt nauseated. I ran to the bathroom and I cut, but this time, it was different. I sat on the floor, rolled up my pants, and sliced around thirty cuts, all over my shins, each fairly shallow. Each time the blade made a clean cut, just about an inch long. I couldn't really believe that I was doing it, but I was. I was in a kind of mindless trance, where physical pain didn't exist. I was still crying the whole way through. I knew I should bandage my legs, but I sat there for a good twenty minutes, staring at the ever-growing blood puddle before I finally decided to move. I got out the first aid kit, washed my legs, and bandaged them with gauze and medical tape. When I walked out of the bathroom, I got a strange look from a nurse. I realized that I had a giant bloodstain on my butt, and probably looked like I was a girl getting a suprise visit from mother nature. The only problem was that I wasn't a girl. So I ran and changed my clothes for the second time that day.

* * *

**A/N: I know, the end part was... weird. Lol. But the begining of the end part (where L starts crying and cutting, not about the stain) was based off of a real experience I had. LOL yea. But then I realized if he was sitting in a puddle of blood... wouldn't there be a stain like right there...? And I had to put that in when I thought of it LOL yea. So, sorry if that was weird. But, some of the parts of the story are based off of my actual experiences... I know. I'm weird and depressed ^^ lol but that what makes me write ^^. And also, I achieved a goal. No dialouge! In most of my writing, there's too much dialouge! So... yea ^^. And I limited the P.O.V. switches, which was hard but rewarding. So... :D. BTW, this is my first Author's Note. Lol. Just wanted to say thanks for the reviews, alerts, and favorites, they make me inspired to keep writing! Thanks!!!**

**-Misty**


	5. He Knows

Light's P.O.V.  
All I could see was a white ceiling. Drifting in and out of conciousness, I could hear unfamiliar voices and beeping noises. When I finally fully woke up, the first thing I saw was panda-like eyes staring into mine. I screamed.

Ryuuzaki/L's P.O.V.

I was sitting uncomfortably in my normal position on a chair next to an unconcious Light-kun. They had told me that he would wake up soon, and would need to stay in the building for at least a week for the physical injries. I was told he should start seeing a therapist. I was also told he would have to take an assesment to see his mental health state. I said that I would be his therapist. They said okay. As all of this was going on, I was in a daze. Maybe it was from lack of sweets, or because of my mental state, but I was in a sort of fog.  
That was before he woke up.

I had heard some stirring, so naturally I leaned over and watched Light-kun for movement. As soon as he opened his eyes, he screamed like I have never heard anything scream before. I have to admit, he sounded like an irritated female for a moment before he realized what was going on and snapped back into reality. He looked around the room, and then back to me.

"L?" He asks.  
"Yes?"  
"What happened?"  
"You were taken to the buildings medical facility on the 5th floor after I found you bleeding and unconcious in the task force headquarters." I didn't say anymore than that; I didn't want to upset him.  
"...What happens now?" I was caught a little off guard by that. He sounded scared, almost childlike. Certainly not the Light-kun I remembered. I didn't really know what to say to that, either.  
"What do you want to know?"  
"Well...do the others know? What happens from now on? What do you know?"  
"The rest of the task force thinks Light-kun is sick and they are not allowed to visit for security reasons. We will stay up on another floor together for as long as I think you need to and as long as you need to recover. For now, though, you need to stay in this medical facility. The doctor will be in shortly to ask you a few questions."  
"...You never answered my last question."  
"What did you mean by it?"  
"Goddamnit, L, just answer the question! Stop trying to protect me in my 'fragile state' and give me the goddamn truth! Do you think I'm crazy? Do you know everything? Are you going to send me to a fucking nut house?"  
"No. I'm not sending you to a 'nuthouse', and I don't think you're crazy. As for what I know, judging by the scars, you were cutting yourself long before you ever considered suicide, and what happened earlier was intended to be a cutting session, but you made a split second decision not to stop there."  
"Okay." We sat in scilence for a few moments, me wondering if I had gone too far with that little snap, him pondering the information he had been given.  
"I know something." His voice startled me.  
"Alright, would you care to share?" I responded in a monotone.  
"I'll show you." Suddenly he glanced down at my leg and pulled up my pants before I could stop him. I gasped in horror and jumped back before my mind caught up with me. I quickly pulled it back down just before a doctor came strolling in with his clipboard. Light-kun knew I was a cutter, too. My mind went into overdrive at this point. I wondered how he knew they were on my leg. How had he guessed that I was a cutter, like him? What would he do now?

"Mr. Ryuga?" My head snapped around at the sound of my alias.  
"Yes?"  
"Mr. Yagami is free to go around the building now, but no further. I do not recommend he go swimming or participate in any rough physical activity for awhile. I also recomend someone be with him at all times, so nothing... um... happens."  
"Yes, I understand."  
The doctor strolled out and I returned my attention to the teen in the bed.

"...How did you know?"

Light rolled his eyes lazily. "Easy. The wristband, the bathroom trips, the edginess before the trips and calmness after. Usually, someone wouldn't suspect anything,but I know the signs when I see them. I do it too, after all. Plus, you had me under suspicion for the same thing. Anyone who's paranoid about finding out if someone's a cutter has some type of experience with it themselves. You were also sitting a bit off, so I guessed you'd tried somewhere else, like your legs."

My heart was still beating faster than ever when he finished. "...I see." Was the only thing I could manage to choke out. After a moment I was able to calm down enough to talk more. "So... um... do you want anything?"

"No. Just wake me when I get released." The teen rolled away from me and shut his tired brown eyes.

"...Sure, Light-kun. Anything for you." I whispered as soon as I was sure he was asleep.

**A/N: Okay, I apologize SO MUCH! I AM SO SORRY I HAVE NOT UPDATED. GOMENASAI! I got hung up on all of my little one-shots and I used all of my writing energy on that, plus there was end of the year crap, etc. Also, about my previous A/N, I meant I USED to. Completely forgot that little detail. XD Anyway, I had this mostly done, and I was like "Okay, I'm getting it to a suitable point and uploading it. Or else people will hate me. T.T" XD lol but I AM sorry for that. I'm starting the next chapter right now, I swear. Sorry!**

**-Misty**


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